| Handling the Holidays By: Alison Moore For many, the holiday season is a welcome distraction from everyday routines, and a time filled with relaxation, gifts, food, and most importantly, family. But for teens who share holidays between more than one home, the ‘season to be jolly’ also has the potential to be a time of sadness, guilt and stress. Nowadays, it’s not uncommon to have separate invitations and expectations from Mom, Dad, stepfamilies, and beyond. So what is the best way to handle the holidays when you feel obligated to be in more than one place? First, let’s tackle the ‘where.’ Dr. Laurence Goldstein, a psychiatrist with a private practice in Connecticut, notes that when it’s clearly defined where you’ll spend the holidays, “it takes a lot of the stress out.” Some parents may have already made provisions for this in their divorce agreements, but if not, there are some decisions to be made. Creating a solid plan in advance of the holiday season can be very helpful. Some teens may feel uncomfortable making the call about where they want to go, in which case parents can take responsibility for the decision. However, having a say in where you’re going may help you to feel empowered and in control of your own life, so don’t be afraid to speak up if you’re unhappy. In addition, Dr. Goldstein recommends a degree of flexibility. As teenagers grow older and circumstances change, plans that worked in the past may become rigid and inconvenient, so making adjustments may be necessary. What’s most important is spending quality time with loved ones, and thankfully, there are many creative ways to solve the problem of scheduling. Once you’ve decided on a place, it’s time to confront any feelings you have about your original family being separated, and perhaps being away from or missing certain family members during the holidays as a result. Luckily, there is no rule that says if you’re with Mom for the weekend, you can’t call Dad to say hello. Checking in with the other side of your family may alleviate sadness, even if you’re not with them physically. Even during the holidays, there are bright sides to a divorce that you should keep in mind. Alexx, 17, has spent fifteen years dividing her time between her divorced parents and is very positive about her situation. She says that the split “gave me a chance to do certain things with my parents separately and I think it made me become closer with them. [During the holidays] I never really cared which parent I was with, as long as I was enjoying myself and that everyone was happy.” Spending the holidays with one parent gives you the opportunity to build a special bond or start traditions with them and only them, which can last a lifetime. Along this vein, Dr. Goldstein says, “Suggesting new traditions, and beginning a new history post divorce, is a good idea. Over time it will help things become easier.” In a sense, a divorce means a new start, and it may help to concentrate on forming new memories and new things to look forward to each year. Alexx agrees, saying that since her mother remarried, Christmas has taken the form of a Christmas Eve celebration combined with her stepfather’s birthday party, complete with cake and presents for everyone. This new tradition is something that has come to define her holiday. During the years following a significant change in a family situation, your feelings may continue to evolve, especially during the holidays. As you grow older, you may become less focused on two sets of presents or the excitement of the season and start to feel sadness that you didn’t before. Make sure to let your parents know how you’re feeling. Going to them when you’re upset and taking a quiet moment to talk things over will make everyone feel better. Speaking of feeling better, don’t forget to take care of your mind, body, and spirit during the holidays. Keeping control and feeling grounded in certain areas of your life may help you to stay calm when dealing with more difficult emotional matters. So, if you know you’ll have to deal with lingering tension between various family members, don’t add to your problems by overspending, overeating, or spreading yourself too thin with various activities. Take a bit of personal time for yourself, as well—a walk alone or a quick lie-down can do wonders. You will have the strength to be mature, unselfish and keep the peace at important moments if you feel rested and composed. Regardless of whether your family has encountered divorce or not, if you have a warm bed to sleep in, delicious food to eat, and people to hug, you are more fortunate than many. If you’re experiencing sadness or loss during the holidays, try counteracting your feelings by reaching out to your fellow man. An afternoon of volunteering may help you feel grateful for all that you do have—and it could be the start of a new family tradition, too. Lastly, even though a split between your parents can be hard, especially around the holidays, Alexx says that it’s best to stay optimistic. “If you ever feel down, just think about how much happier everyone is after the divorce. It may not seem like it initially but in reality, if your parents were unhappy enough to split, they are better off not being together. Things can only get better.” |
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