“Any fool can have a trophy wife. It takes a real man to have  a   
                                               trophy marriage.”
                             Diane Sollee, smartmarriages.com

Can you imagine not being able to go out on dates? What if the husband has
the right to marry more than one wife, could you handle it?

The experience of dating, of marrying or divorcing in the Muslim society has
a controversial side to it, one in which seems that most of the time the man
comes out as the winner and the woman as the loser.

Going out with the boyfriend to get to know each other before marrying him
is a completely taboo experience in a Muslim society – an experience
possibly taken for granted in our cultures. If women are caught dating their
lover, they can be put in jail by their own families! But what about the men?
Nobody says anything to them! Maybe they might be criticized, but their act
of dating before and after marriage is not considered a crime! I wonder why!

As a Muslim woman, it must be so painful not being able to express affection
for the one you truly love… Will she ever find love in marriage? Is she
doomed to know only duty? I have Muslim girlfriends who did find love in
marriage, but these cases are so rare…

In the past, the chances of seeing the future husband face to face were
almost impossible. The couple could see each other only during the wedding.

Nowadays, in terms of Islam, dating starts with the marriage contract
considered more of a sign of commitment to each other similar to the
western engagement, but with a more serious degree to it regarded as a real
marriage. At this time, the “mahar’ is agreed upon – that is what the bride
gets before the wedding in terms of material possessions such as money,
jewelry, perfumes and beauty treatments. The large, expensive wedding in
which both families and friends participate. happens at a later date. In the
meantime, dating is allowed but in more innocent ways by having lunches
and dinners together or cinema night-outs.

Now, let’s say, the couple is married and after a few years the husband
decides he wants to marry another women! What would you do? What
options would you have?

As you probably know, polygamy as opposed to monogamy is a widely
acceptable Muslim practice which allows a Muslim man to marry more than
one wife up to four. However, what you might not know is that there has to
be an acceptable societal need in order for him to do so. He is not allowed to
marry a second time just because he likes blonds, brunettes or darker-
skinned ladies! The second marriage can happen, for instance, in case his
first wife cannot bear or have any more children, becomes sick, paralyzed or
old and she agrees with his decision to get married again for the purpose of
procreation without divorcing her. This is considered an acceptable societal
excuse for him to do so. However, the underlying principle is that the first
wife has to be consulted about such family structural modifications and if
the opposite happens, she has the civil right to divorce him.

However, there still are many Muslim men who abuse the financial power
they may have over their families simply by trapping the wife into a reality
in which she has to decide between her civil right and the future of her
children. So is the case of a friend of mine who just found out her husband
married a second wife. Her choice? To divorce him or stay for the sake of her
children accepting the betrayal. She accepted the compromise because of her
financial dependency as she has been a housewife for a long time. I guess the
fear of changing her and her children’s lifestyle was too much to bear
especially in a society which condemns divorce and not very supportive of
single mothers. How sad is that?

Even in the case of divorce, tradition seems to give the man the power of the
contract called “esma”. In Islam, the groom and bride decide together who
gets this “power”. Both have an equal right. Reality shows, however, that if
the man happens to have the “esma”, it becomes more difficult for the
woman to divorce him. How unfair!

The more I live away from my western cultural upbringing, the more I
realize that no matter how beautiful I see the world in its mosaic display of
differences, something tells me that my heart will never be able to accept
other cultural beliefs forced upon me if they are not in sync with my soul! At
the end of the day, I always have a choice!
Roxy's Diary from the Middle East - Part VI
Editor's Note: Roxy Fera currently lives in Oman, and writes a monthly column for AMG
documenting her thoughts and experiences living abroad. Below is Part VI of the series.