Is This Normal?
         A Guide to Healthy Relationships

By: Jennifer Heath

One of the key parts of being
human is our ability to form
relationships with others. There
are many different types of
relationships: family relation-
ships, friendships and romantic
partnerships. Teachers and
coaches can turn into lifelong
mentors.  Some of these connect-
ions last decades and others fizzle
out. Want to know if your
relationship is healthy? Shannon
Feeley, M.Ed. a school counselor
from Connecticut explains the six
essential components of a healthy relationship:

Trust: Above all, both partners have to feel like the other is being
straightforward and honest with them.  Does your friend say one thing
but do another?    

Good communication: When you speak your mind or share your feelings,
does the other person truly listen?  Different cultures show this in many
ways but usually you can tell if someone is listening if they are making
eye contact and slightly nodding their head.     

Spending time together: Do they make an effort to get to know the
interests you enjoy and the people you love the most, such as family
members or close friends?  Do you spend time with their friends and
family?

Separate identities: As important as spending time together is giving one
another space to explore personal interests.  It is important that you feel
supported and that you encourage your partner or friend in their
different hobbies.

Respect: There are so many ways to show your respect for someone.  You
can be respectful by keeping agreements or secrets (unless an adult needs
to be informed in order to protect someone). If you need space or are
feeling pressured into doing something, a respectful friend or partner will
recognize this and respect your boundaries.

Feeley also points to some clear warning signs for unhealthy relationships.

Jealousy: Jealousy may be an issue if your friend or partner tries to
control you, doesn’t want you to spend time with your friends or tries to
make decisions and choices for you.  Using peer pressure to get you to do
something you feel uncomfortable doing is another red flag for an
unhealthy relationship.

History of Fighting: Does your partner or friend use their physical body
to get their way with others, even family and friends?
Losing temper quickly: Do they “fly off the handle?” Have they ever
abused a pet or animal? Have they ever threatened, intimidated or put
you down?

Others worry about you: Have any of your close friends or family
members told you that they are concerned about your safety?  Maybe
they see something that you are unable to see at this time.  

What can you do if you or someone you know is in an unhealthy
relationship?

1. Talk to an adult you trust such as a parent, family member, school
counselor or teacher.

2. If your friend is the one in the unhealthy relationship, support them by
listening to them and not gossiping about them. Respect their decision for
being in the relationship even if you do not agree.  They may need you
later on to break away from the relationship.

3. Design a plan with an adult from school or someone in your family
about what you can do if your relationship becomes unsafe.  Is there a
meeting place you can go to that your partner doesn’t know about?  Think
of ways you have stayed safe in the past; you could use one of those
options now, such as staying at a neighbor’s place.

4. For more information or help contact your local violence prevention
agency or police department.  Most cities have local agencies where you
can talk to professionals for free.